The Three Elements,a Hypothesis and an Introduction

January 21, 2010

I’d like to apologise in advance for patronising the face off an entire gender. Sorry mum.

Long before auto-tune showed up to ruin everything, hip-hop famously revolved around the Four Elements. Bruce Willis needed Five of them and a very annoying Chris Tucker. The key to women however can be summarised in just three. That’s right, though terrifyingly complex and usually illogical, all women share some the same love of three things in particular. What are they, you cry? Well, take your hands out of your pants (do grow up, it’s not those kinds of things) and follow me.

Before we continue it’s only right to acknowledge the shrieking loony in the corner, tearing clumps of her own hair out as she wails that there are surely more than these three things that women love.  Quite right Margaret, there’s a whole host of things loved by many. But not by all. That’s what sets this little theory apart;  the unadulterated, pure happiness every single woman in the whole entire country has towards them.  There’s no exceptions* or caveats, no calorific or credit card related guilt which  would rule out so many other varieties. Oh no, this is pure joy. Now toddle off back to your room Mags while we deal with them in turn.

Perhaps the most basic of all is that most Irish of things: a cup of tea.  The Brits and the Chinese might stake a claim to this one too, but surely it doesn’t give the satisfaction and overwhelming sense of relaxation that Irish women really do get them that very lovely cup of tea (the adjective lovely can’t apply more accurately to any other thing). While to many of us coffee-drinking males, tea may merely evoke thoughts of a  decrepit peasant pathetically boiling a  few manky nettles in a tin cup at the side of famine road, tea seems to hold an altogether cheerier memories for women. It rather strangely seems to  act as a liquid hug. Even the cut throat world of advertising has realised this and as such only makes adverts that are basically 30 seconds of distilled loveliness (video here – though on a less lovely note dog that played Shep has probably carked it by now).

Whether it’s to comfort during depressing times, in celebration or just to start a day in a rather nice way, a hug can be replaced with a cuppa and seemingly cause the exact same chemical reaction in the brain. A chemical reaction that no doubt makes the sound of a satisfied; ahhh. This does of course mean that offering  to make a cup of tea is the perfect choice for the uncaring boyfriend and pnigophobiac alike (look it up).

But while a cup of tea may give the emotional side of a hug, it still lacks somewhat in the physical side of things, what with it causing violent disfiguring burns if applied to the body. That’s where #2 comes in to play: blankets.

Ah yes, the simple blanket. Enjoyed the world over from the indigenous Quechua peoples in Peru to Lisa Simpson and her sadly destroyed patchwork quilt (Season 2, episode: Bart’s Dog Gets an F for completists)  there is no denying it; women go batshit crazy for blankets. Some may argue for the inclusion of a good hoodie or even these gruesome new romper suits from Where the Wild Things Are ( but they can’t compete with the mighty blanket. With its simple inclusion a Kate Hudson movie can be transformed from making one want to self-harm in to “actually being kind of sweet”. Whilst the hoodie does offer some warmth and snugness, blankets have another trump card to play – the social aspect. Indeed a blanket apparently should not be wasted on one person alone, instead by draping it over everyone on the couch a higher level of snugness can apparently be achieved, an action usually quickly followed by further tucking, the hugging of oneself and a few short comments about just how comfortable the blanket is indeed.

Clearly there’s a buck to made on the back of all this, and in recent years the assorted captains of industry have made their move by offering the Slanket and Snuggie at a ridiculous mark-up for what is essentially a dressing gown turned worn back-to-front. That hasn’t stopped them flying off the shelves, but again we mustn’t forget the social aspect to this now not so humble blanket.

That’s right, because a blanket isn’t any fun unless it can be enjoyed by more than one person at the same time the good people at Snuggie Sutra have compiled a whole load of ways to get the very most out of what at first glance appears to be a one-woman blanket. There’s far more fun to be had therein, as their helpful illustrations show.

But where would one buy such a blanket if trying to avoid the overpriced Slanket craze? For most there seems to be but one answer. The one and only; Penneys. Women love Penneys. Seriously love Penneys, even if it disguises itself as a Primark.

What was An otherwise run of the mill scarf is transformed through a quick interrogation

“Oh that’s nice.”

“Thanks, I got it in Penneys.”

“PENNEYS?! God, they have the best stuff!!!”

A ridiculously low price will soon be mentioned followed by another expression of utter disbelief. It really does seem that every outfit can be enhanced in some small way by the inclusion of something that you’d never believe actually came from Penneys. The utter love and devotion so many women have towards Penneys and their I-can’t-believe-it-only-cost-you-that-much pricing can not be questioned. Any man who has forlornly propped himself up by a rack of incredibly well priced socks while half a dozen female friends scour all four floors of Bristol’s scarily large Primark (imagine Henry St’s Penneys on HGH) will know exactly what I’m talking about. The exact mechanics and discoveries to be had are better dealt with by Sinead and Saoirse, I’m merely the ideas man,though I can leave you with one last tip. This winter Penneys did begin selling their incredibly warm and snug blanket at the low, low price of just €5. No, seriously €5. Yeah, I got it in Penneys. Honestly. I know right, they have so much good stuff…

– your estrogenly challenged special guest blogger, Seán

*-oh come on, don’t start. I’ve spent a whole evening putting together this theory


One response to “The Three Elements,a Hypothesis and an Introduction

  1. Hilarious Sean! Loved it and lol’d at how true it is. You know the female so well it’s scary!

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